Two Brothers

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

DOING A FULL REWRITE.

Two brothers return home from a long day of work to be transported to a diferent world because of a tear in space and time.

followed by their loyal dog they must hunt and find resources to survive the upcoming winter, fight monsters that try to eat them and other problems along the way, since this world is nothing like Earth.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language.

Information

Status: Hiatus
Year: 2018
Author: OnanMaster

Royal Road Stats

Rating: 4.0/ 5.0
Followers: 2
Views: 602

Reviews

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Community Reviews(1)

Anir-OBrienRoyal Road
★★★★ 4.0
I don't know how to preface this, but I love you Skelly and hope this doesn't dampen your writting enthusiasme.
(Note that I am not a good judge for what a good writer is or should be, I did afterall make and still make the same mistakes you did here.)
Grammar:
Overall, not as clean as it can be. I am sure that if the author went through the chapter once or twice before releasing it, it will be a 4. If you want to get something higher than that, I need to see at least clever word choices, diverse vocabulary, stuff like that.
Also, stop using numbers in your text outside of system messages. Type the numbers into their words, please.
Style:
I would say our styles are alike Skelly, and that is bad. My bias and my need for perfection just says my style is bad and therefore yours is also bad. But that is my perfection speacking, you will need someone else to give an honest opinion.
Small note here, more show and less tell. I know this will be frustrating to hear (because it is incredibly cryptic and hard to apply) but it needs to be done. For example that the first scene, where the brothers were training, you mentioned their physicality. You simply told us about it, you didn't show us through a combat sequence or some other activity that could highlight it.
It would have been simple to show the reader their physicality in the combat sequence agaisnt the trolls. Show Jeremy dodging and evading, jumping about and backflipping. James can use his pure physical strength to throw heavy stuff at the troll and try to have a contest of strength agasint it.
Show more, tell less. It is exhausting and confusing, but if you keep it in your mind, it will play dividends in the future.
Story:
Now the real meaty part. I would like to say that starting off with a hook (in this case a fight with an enemy and a snapshot into the characters absurd training routine) was great. I did it, and all is fair.
The problem comes when it starts to feel like you are flying through the scenes, flying th