The Totally Believable Tale of Horace Haggarty

People always seemed to mistake me for a corpse when they met me, complaining about my dead-man's eyes and eerily pale skin.

Well, none of that changed when a giant interstellar truck from some unknown intergalactic alien trading company smashed into earth. God only knows how people felt when first contact with extraterrestrial life was taken that literally. And then God himself had to apologize to the entire planet using a megaphone, and since heaven wasn't ready to process 12 billion lives in one go, they just decided to merge Earth with Pluralis Alpha. POP! Bigger planet, more continents, magic, yeah. Its going great.

So what now? Well, everyone still thinks I look like a living corpse, I got a bloody cough that the docs can't pin, and I just got a special delivery access door for the Afterlife Bar and Club.