Road of the Rottweiler [Absurd comedy about stupid cultivators] (Volume 1 complete!)

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

Once long ago, Kalon thought. He found the activity unpleasant and swore to never do it again.When the time to choose the Road he will follow in his path of immortality comes, he decides picking up a weapon is not worth it if it implies putting Jagger, local puppy, down on the not-yet-caramelized floor. Following this deranged line of thought, he proclaims himself a follower of the Road of the Rottweiler, having to fight with, meditate in presence of, and overall cultivate in ways that involve the aforementioned dogs. After getting a word of warning from his oracle, Cutbastra, a powerful immortal with an insurmountable charisma, visits Kalon and Jagger's village. He has only one aim in mind: committing one of those prophecy-related mass murders that are so popular among villains. And maybe bedding some  desperate housewives along the way. Spurred by this terrible act of murder, Kalon embarks on a most moronic journey to avenge his dead brothers, cousins, and brother-cousins. Carrying only rottweilers with him, he will face an absurd world where the only limit to what people can cultivate would be the long-ago-extinct common sense. And, even if reluctantly, Jagger, sole talking Rottweiler puppy in the world, will need to come along, if only to remind Kalon to keep breathing now and then.----In this story, Rule of Funny supersedes Rule of Cool. The protagonist will get hurt, will get ill. The dog is a slapstick magnet. The villain will be an absolute, absurd blast to read about.  The story will stray away from Xianxia tropes as it advances, if only because of entropy and a pathological need to max the dumb.In other words: look at the shitty cover. YES, THE GREEN THING IS A GIANT DEAD CHLOROPLAST WITH TWO LIVING WINGS AND A DEAD INVERTED WING. Expect to laugh at Kalon's funny disgrace, not to cheer at his absurd power ups (Which will probably come with fun beatings attached). I mean, you do you, but... yeah.[This trainwreck participates on the Writathon challenge of  november 2023!]Tags are being added as the story progresses: featuring a tag DOESN'T MEAN it appears soon enough. For example, it takes several tens of chapters for the female lead to join the group, and even longer for the isekai element to come in.

Information

Status
Ongoing
Year
2023
Author
Lack of Poochline

Tags

SATIREFANTASYADVENTUREMAGICFEMALE LEADCOMEDYSUPERNATURALMALE LEADMULTIPLE LEAD CHARACTERSNON-HUMAN LEADPORTAL FANTASY / ISEKAIREINCARNATIONHIGH FANTASYCULTIVATIONPROGRESSION

Royal Road Stats

Rating
4.6/ 5.0
Followers
129
Views
96,225

Chapters(117 total)

What readers say about Road of the Rottweiler [Absurd comedy about stupid cultivators] (Volume 1 complete!)

  • “This isn’t a tale for people with weak constitutions. There are many jokes, scenes, and even characters that can and will offend some people. The author makes that clear from the very first page. Characters/Story: Because this is a more character-driven sto…”
    VetTelisunRoyal Road5.0 / 5
  • “This feels as if someone with a good understanding of language, comedy, and good literature decided to shit on Shakespeare's grave, and honestly, I'm down for it. Crude language, cultivation, and loss of brain cells (which the three are more related than th…”
    Epsilon TwilightRoyal Road5.0 / 5

Reviews

No reviews yet. Be the first to share your thoughts!

Community Reviews(10)

  • VetTelisunRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    This isn’t a tale for people with weak constitutions. There are many jokes, scenes, and even characters that can and will offend some people. The author makes that clear from the very first page.
    Characters/Story: Because this is a more character-driven story, I’ve lumped these two faucets into their own category. In this tale, you’ll find that pretty much everyone, including the narrator, exists solely for the sake of jokes. Road of the Rottweiler is an absurdist comedy first and foremost, and thus everything is fair game for a laugh or two.
    To critique its plot is like trying to dissect the mind of a drunken lobster. That is to say…don’t.
    Just as everything exists for the sake of a joke, so too do the natural conventions of plot structure end up being heavily parodied. Our ‘hero’ is a kid who goes around using a magic puppy like a whooping stick. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. As an absurdist comedy, it goes above and beyond anything rational. Which, due to its intentional nature, earns it high marks.
    Grammar/Style: These categories also get lumped together due to them leading into each other. A few issues crop up here and there that can be distracting, but they’re mostly typos, so I won’t harp too much on them.
    Overall: Make no mistake. This story is a story in the very loosest definition of the word. From a literary standpoint, it’s pure, unadulterated trash. But for those of us who enjoy a little trash every now and again, it’s definitely worth checking out.
    I can promise you this, you won’t find anything like Road of the Rottweiler anywhere else on Royal Road.
  • Epsilon TwilightRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    This feels as if someone with a good understanding of language, comedy, and good literature decided to shit on Shakespeare's grave, and honestly, I'm down for it.
    Crude language, cultivation, and loss of brain cells (which the three are more related than they should) make this a piece of literature.
    With all intents and purposes, I can say Road of the Rottweiler is definitely one of the fictions of Royal Road.
  • GrinRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    TL;DR : Comedy and parody, the best I've seen on this site. If you're an embittered and sour person who thinks life has lost the funny, please go talk to someone. Take care of yourself.
    This.
    This is a masterpiece. To call it anything less than the epitome of what all cultivation novels (and normal novels) should strive to attain would be a gross understatement of the basest breed.
    I am currently hyperventilating after wheezing through the entirety of the first eight chapters. When's the last time a book made you laugh ? Can't remember ? Me neither.
    This is pure comedic and shitposting gold.
    The characters have a kind of 17 dimensionnal depth (granted unto their paper thin lack of reality through pure irony and humor alone) that a mere review could not, would not be able to even begin to waste words trying to explain the sheer stunning beauty of. All is surrendered to the joke. All was made for the joke.
    In a surprising display of commentary upon the real world, this novel boldly states that life is a joke, a comedy if you will.And I'm all for it. Give me the sweet rush of unexpected punchlines, the dopamine of understanding the brilliant setups, the dizzy clarity of loosing yourself in this intricate and exquisite shitposty and running-gag-y mess of a drug fueled discussion with the boys at 3 : 12am.
    Still, this is an advanced review and I must soldier on. Please stop reading here and go give it a try.
    Characters are flatter than my ex but the author bended their sheets to give more wheigts to his jokes, without having the pretence of making them "life-like characters !" or" truly relatable humans ! ", and why would he ? 'Tis all just a pran- joke in the end, bro.
    Found a few grammar mistakes even though I probably made plenty of them in this review, but they don't take away from the jokes so all is forgiven. What's that about breaking immersion ? No sir, never heard of it. The jokes are too good, the novel too ludicrous for a few forgotten letters or typo to drag
  • HippioScipioRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    Judging a work like this properly requires a mind far greater than mine. For example, one could spend a millennium analysing such passages as: "She produced a gun —she followed the Road of freedom— out of her cleavage and fired three shots in the air. “That should keep the property prices down another day.""
    It is at once offensive to my rather quaint sensibilities, yet in a deeper sense, this work of utter horseshit appeals to the shitlord within us all - bringing out our most ridiculous nonsensical selves.
    Parody it is not, for it transcends that limited medium and creates a category all for itself, its own elevated category of 'what the fuck am I reading.' Empress Theresa was my previous bar for ridiculous shit happening for unreal reasons, and yet this has by far surpassed it and at least this book is intentionally ridiculous. 5/5. Read it.
  • KittyJinglesRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    A serious writer making a story that doesn't take itself too seriously. Like not at all, it's stupid fun
    The author knows a lot of cultivation xianxia tropes and makes fun of them in silly meme worthy ways. There's a lot of biology knowledge and writing jokes sprinkled in. This has been on my to read later list for a while and when another comedy referenced it I knew I had to. No cat yet.
  • MethefantasticRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    the books plot is slightly serious but gets sidetracked quite often. I quite like that the author puts in lots of little jokes, and sometimes one big one. (that's what she said). the fact that Kalon consistently is so stupid that the world itself has to be modified, and that he sometimes just is too stupid for gravity, and all the extremely stupid cultivators are my favourite elements if the story.
  • Ryker BaleRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    Alright, let's cut to the chase. This isn't just any comedy; it's the crown jewel of parodies. If your sense of humor's in hibernation, wake it up for this one.
    Picture this: a novel that's a full-blown comedy goldmine. Characters? Imagine a lasagna with too many layers – complex in their simplicity, thanks to a generous dollop of irony. This book doesn't just embrace absurdity; it marries it. The characters might be flatter than my last pancake attempt, but the author's turned them into comedic geniuses without the pretense of making them relatable. Because why bother? It's all just a massive joke, right?
    It's a wild ride of clever punchlines and unexpected twists that turn life's joke into a stand-up special. Typos? They're like misplaced confetti in this party of hilarity. The style's stellar, and the story is a masterclass in controlled chaos.
    Big applause to Lack of Poochline for this masterpiece. It's a laughter-packed, ludicrous adventure that's sure to make your day. Let's try to be serious for a moment, though. If you haven't read it yet, what are you waiting for? Dive in, have a blast, and remember – in a world that often feels like a joke, laughter's the best comeback. Enjoy the read! I will comeback for more chapters! :)
  • ScreamingtoasterRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    I... I don't even. Just don't read this like on break at work or at home or really anywhere around people that you would rather not have think of you as a lunatic. Actually if  you don't want people to bother you read this because you'll just be laughing so hard, and when you try to explain it they'll just think you're insane.
    This is good. DO NOT binge this. Take this slowly, for your sanity's sake. Maybe keep a couple chapters in reserve if you have a bad day.
  • D1machaerusRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    The wordplay, skilled, it is. Your play on words is pleasing to the eye. This review must be at least 50 words long. The voluminous amount of variety in regards to vocabulary presently present in the story beheld by mine own eyes is, at the least satisfactory, but somehow no better than meh.
  • The_TripointRoyal Road
    ★★★★★ 5.0
    I don't know. I have no idea. I'm just laughing, people. Look at what this story did. It's a fine form of a mysterious product called "funny". And damn is it a well-written one.
    Story? What story? You're asking for a story? You're laughing. How will you even remember the schizophrenic scene 5 seconds ago when you're wheezing on the ground as you scroll? I remember there was a dog, owned by a troglodyte, traveling through the lands of Moronland. Cultivating? This story itself is cultivating. It travels the path to comedy - and thus immortality.
    That, in itself, would thus give it an instant 5 in this aspect.
    And the characters? God, they're so detached from reality just like this story. They almost represent the insanity of this idea. They are what they are - shitposts. The characters are straight-up shitposts. Caricatures.
    Style? Absolutely delirious. The way it is written is a pure art form of random nonsense and random references.
    Grammar? Why even ask for that? Errors and typos are invisible. You're laughing. Those errors might as well be a part of the joke. It almost doesn't matter.
    I don't know what the author is smoking, but I'd like to steer clear away from that and instead enjoy this magnificent shitpost. It's an absolute blast. I recommend you all read this for a decent amount of laughs.

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