(Dropped) The Story Previously Known as: NeoRealm - Staring back into the Future

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

This story has been dropped. I will be writing a new story with a similar backstory but based on a fantasy VR. The name will be the same because I couldn't think of a better one...

Jason has just turned 18 and will be finally be able to play The VR game everyone is into, NeoRealm. Wishing only for a normal time he will be disappointed as his past (life) will throw him into the deep end. Who knew just a little cultivation could cause so much trouble. ~NeoRealm~ the most realistic VR game to date. A cunning mix of Sci-Fi and the Supernatural spread across a galaxies worth of planets just waiting for you to dive in. Want to experience the mysteries of psionic powers? Become one of the Talented and work to improve your rating all the way up to 1 and move moons. Do you just desire to wield sheer power? Join one of the main factions and work your way up so you can be the one who with the press of a button can wipe a planet off the face of the universe. Or maybe you just want to know what its like to be a cat person. We have those too. Come on in and join us at 5x the speed of boring old reality (you heard us right, not your average everyday 4x time compression!). *WARNING - limited to those age 18 and up, we are not responsible for any minor losing their grasp on reality, sanity, or species Mature - Most likely violent, Maybe language, No bedroom wrestling

Information

Status: Cancelled
Year: 2016
Author: akhier the dragon hearted

Royal Road Stats

Rating: 3.5/ 5.0
Followers: 44
Views: 25,741

Chapters(12 total)

Reviews

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Community Reviews(1)

KaellomRoyal Road
★★★★ 3.5
Ok. First of all I like the idea for this story, we get a lot of reincarnation stories but not many ones where the fantasy guy is reborn in a modern day/ futuristic like Earth.
When it comes to grammar and punctuation, I would say you have a reasonable grasp on the English language. (If English is your second language, then any small mistakes are reasonable).
When it comes to your writing style however, there is a lot to be improved upon. First of all, whenever the main character makes an action you highlight it with "**" marks. That is entirely unnecessary. As you are writing in the 1st person point of view, you can just mix in the main characters actions with his thoughts, as in what he's thinking at the time. So please remove the stars, it ruins the flow of your writing.
When it comes to your story itself and the characters in it, although the idea is good, there is too little detail given to us readers. For instance, when the (SPOILER) Qi stat is introduced, the main character didn't seem to think anything of it. You should think of all of the characters' actions and reactions to the important things that happen in the story, it makes it more immersive for us readers. (END SPOILER)
Another important thing (which I say to everyone, please take no offense) is to always re-read your work, there are always mistakes made when people write stories, some of them are unnoticeable in the writers eyes, that's why you always need someone to proofread your writing for you. A second pair of eyes will always find more mistakes than one.
If I were to make any more suggestions to improve your writing, it would be to understand "the difference between showing and telling in writing" (look it up on google). This is mainly for people who write in the 3rd person viewpoint, but it's a useful tool nonetheless.
Anyways, that's all I can think of. Please keep writing and improving!
p.s. With the mention of 'Talent' in your story, the only person I could think of would be Anne McCaffr