YAKUZA: The Beginning of Deaths

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

Japan, Year 1989. A gun fire in the middle of the night woke up the neighbors of Shibuya, with a tire screeching noise leaving the neighborhood. Some people started to come out of their house as to see what had happened there, slowly the neighbors in their homes started to turn their lights on. The neighborhood that was so dark even the moon light couldn't pass through lit up, leaving a young women's body in the center of that neighborhoods ground....

Information

Status: Hiatus
Year: 2023
Author: B_l_a_n_k_2167

Royal Road Stats

Rating: 3.0/ 5.0
Followers: 1
Views: 2,154

Chapters(7 total)

Reviews

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Community Reviews(1)

DanchiveRoyal Road
★★★ 3.0
About Style:
Foreword: Of course, all these things are simply observations. Style is one thing that is difficult to change in the middle of any novel, so just think of these as a reader's perspective rather than suggestions.
- I like how you used dashes to show the difference between a phone call and normal speaking, but I was kind of confused when the main character also spoke in the same style while talking to the Captain in person. It looks like this is used regularly throughout and I don't really understand its purpose. Personally, I just write in a strictly traditional manner, utilizing only quotation marks and ending with "said the character" or variation.
(*TLDR; quotes are a bit confusing with dashes instead of quotation marks. Not sure what those signify*)
- I also noticed that the novel was written in a script-like format, the date and place present without being a sentence and utilizing tumblresque signification of action (such as when the wife *Smiles*). I personally never read a book in a similar format, but there's nothing wrong with it. I believe that readers of more traditional books (such as myself) might be a bit repelled by the casualness. (*TLDR; The casualness of the writing may be unsavoury for some. Of course, that's a personal preference*)
About Plot:
Alright, I've read a little bit more of your book. Up to Chapter 3 to be more specific. I think I'll skip to the final chapters to see if I'm giving unuseful advice, but here's what I've thought about it:
Firstly, the pro: I think the fight scenes are well choreographed and interesting. There's always a lot of action happening and it really feels like a yakuza action movie. I still feel like the wording could be edited further (and there were a noticeable amount of grammar mistakes), but the content is definitely there. Solid action. I also liked the protagonist, Kazuki Oni Yamato.
Secondly, some feedback: I thought the plot was pretty generic, though maybe the plot isn't the main focus. I mean,