The Mermaid in the Swamp

Information

Status

Completed

Year

2023

Author

LilyOfTheWillametteValley

• The Mermaid in the Swamp
  Dec 26, 2023

Reviews

Community Reviews(2)

• I forgot this account existsRoyal Road

  ★★★★★ 4.5

  TL;DR: Really good story, I basically have only a few nitpicks.
  Style
  The style of narration is great, outside of the repetition of I (It started to kind of jarr me), with the character taking a kind of removed perspective. We don't get much insight into their mind really, more so just their surface thoughts, which is nice change of pace. The thoughts also aren't weird to read, they flow well.
  Story
  The conflict was well presented, and the backstory felt naturally explained through the conversation. It didn't feel like an exposition dialogue, but genuinely a conversation between 2 folks that we were gleaning this info from. The setting was also a great subversion on mermaids, both with the whole semi-monster angle and the gritty bayou environment. It didn't overstay it's welcome, and it felt like a glimpse into a larger world.
  Grammar
  I'd say grammar was fine for the most part, though dialogue may have been easier to read if it did line breaks on separate speakers to make their dialogues and actions more distinct. for example;
  And then she burst from the water’s edge before me, sharp teeth glinting in the sun, bony hands outstretched as though to grab me. But the mermaid hadn’t been able to see in the murky water, so she fell to the ground where I had been standing a moment before. With a snarl she threw her head back and made to lunge at me. I snatched a section of slippery deer gut from my bucket and tossed it to her. “Here. I’m a friend of Bedessa.” She grabbed the intestine and paused, staring up at me with narrowed eyes. She’d been a middle-aged human when she became a mermaid. Her hair, hopelessly tangled and crawling with leeches, was sprinkled with white, and her stomach was lined with stretch marks. Out of the water, the gills on her neck had closed. “I’m not here looking for a fight. You’d all win. I just need to talk to her.” Eyes still narrowed, she nodded.
  VS
  And then she burst from the water’s edge before me, sharp teeth glinting in the sun, bony hands
• TealiciousTeaRoyal Road

  ★★★★ 4.0

  Style - Lots of big descriptive paragraphs which are nice. It works as the author intended. They are, however (imo), not the best suited for digital screens. Shorter paragraphs with blank space seems to format better especially for phone screens like how I read this story. I feel like this style would read better on print page than on digital screen.
  Story - There is a moral problem directedly tied in the past of our pov character the Mermaid of the Swamp. Interesting enough with some pleasant details amount the Mermaid society, so to speak, I'm not sure what the moral point of it all was. I get what it means for the characters in the story, but how it is supposed to be meaningful for us reader I didn't grasp.
  Story follow standard story mountain which makes for a clear storyline: slow descriptive beginning, some tension, height of drama, build towards resolution and then the resolution. Solid story perhaps could use another draft to fully unravel all its implications out from the writer's head and put onto the page.
  Grammar - Very few if any grammar mistakes.
  Character - Due to the brevity of the piece and focus on description there isn't a whole lot to discuss. The two, sort of, main characters are fully defined in relation to one another and who they are in the situation. There is a humanness to the human character and an alien feeling to the mermaid. Decent character work.