The Last Breath

Information

Status

Hiatus

Year

2018

Author

TheStartIsHere

• Update - Hiatus
  Feb 11, 2019
• Chapter 8 - "Detention and Mugging."
  Jan 17, 2019
• Chapter 7 - "Before the Date"
  Jan 7, 2019
• Chapter 6 - "The Apology"
  Jan 1, 2019
• Chapter 5.5 - "Conflicting Thoughts"
  Dec 31, 2018
• Chapter 5 - "The Fight"
  Dec 23, 2018
• Chapter 4 - "The Lake"
  Dec 22, 2018
• Chapter 3 - "Loss"
  Dec 20, 2018
• Chapter 2 - "Watched"
  Dec 20, 2018
• Chapter 1 - "Project"
  Dec 18, 2018

Reviews

Community Reviews(1)

• Bjorn DragonwingRoyal Road

  ★★★★ 3.5

  Alrighty BOIZ lets get this review!
  So first of, this will only be of the first chapters, so I will go easy on the plot and such that may need more time to fully develop.
  Style: Okay, so for my purposes, this is syntax, diction, and other fancy stuff. So far There is somewhat odd word choice as if you were attempting to add words you were not completely familiar with in an effort to vary what words you use. This is fine, good even, however, improve your vocabulary and then naturally add a wider variety of words into your writing.
  Next, sentences at times seem abrupt and odd, an easy fix by re-reading closely with this in mind. Make sure that sentences flow into each other, and make sense individually.
  Despite these issues, altogether, good, a solid 3.5/5
  Grammar: Grammar, the dreaded beast on RRL. You, however, have done quite well on this, as I mentioned with the odd sentences structure there are some places where that messes up the grammar. I might as well put this in this category, with the story being told in present tense, and first person, there is tremendous opportunity to add in what the character feels, don’t be afraid to add in metaphors and similes and descriptions of them, really make the reader feel what the character feels.
  A solid 4/5
  Story: Okay, this is the section with some problems. First off, I understand that elements take time to come together and in three chapters not much can have happened. Honestly, consistency is what I see as the problem here. Why is there a secret hideout built by his parents on his uncle's property, Why does he mention that his parents are dead as the reason for his habitation of his uncle's house when Amy comes and tells him they are dead at the end of the chapter.
  That's it really, I am being a bit nitpicky perhaps. Altogether good, nice foreshadowing with the man, an intriguing mystery of his fall out with his former friends, I am interested.
  3/5 Once you fix these mistakes I will change my rating.
  Character: Hrm, I a