The Fifth Prince
Self-Published
Community Rating
Description
Fitz is the fifth Prince of the Hamarian Kingdom. A country hardened by many skirmishes, bordered between the Wilds, the Western Imperial Empire and the Barren. One day, Duke Namir from the East Continent came, offering an incredibly beneficial trade deal to King William. But Fitz suspects a plot is hidden in this trade deal, and investigates the Duke's actions. After finding the truth, Fitz wonders what he desires, and what he is willing to do to achieve them.
*currently on an indefinite hiatus
Information
- Status
- Hiatus
- Year
- 2019
- Author
- TheShopKeeper
Royal Road Stats
- Rating
- 2.5/ 5.0
- Followers
- 1
- Views
- 285
Chapters(3 total)
Reviews
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Community Reviews(1)
- TangentMuseRoyal Road★★ 2.0Hello, I saw your post on the forum looking for some input into your story here. I decided I'd give it a once over just to see if there is anything I might be able to offer you to help you. First of all, let me congratulate you on writing, sharing and opening yourself up to feedback from readers. It does require bravery.
I like the potential you have for Fitz. I think there is a story there as to why the fifth prince does not have magic and why the 6th is the heir. It causes an interest in the reader and a curiosity that the reader wants answered and that is good, because that helps you build your plot. You have a good cast of characters that you can build upon and have set up some initial conflict with the territories and the trade agreements.
So the fact that you aren't getting readers or comments, in my opinion, isn't due to your story idea or the plot building you've got going. I see more that it's in the techniques and mechanics that you are working with.
I see a lot of verb tense issues... um, so, in one sentence you are in present tense, "I am running to the kitchen to cook breakfast." and in another sentence, you are in past tense, "I ran to the kitchen and cooked breakfast." and then you switch back and forth. My examples are very simple, but if you read through some of your paragraphs and look, you should see some where Fritz refers to Sebastian in present tense and then immediately following, places him in a past tense. This shifting of tenses creates a distraction in the readers mind. Some readers notice it right away and they find it annoying and stop reading. Other readers don't necessarily notice it right away, but it does create confusion.
I don't know if you have heard this term before, you probably have. I know early in my writing days, I heard it so much that it drove me nuts... BUT, "Show, don't Tell."
I'm afraid your first chapter is a bit of a story dump where information about Sebastian is just kind of flopped there, whether Fritz knows it, sh