That Time the New Lich King did a Speedrun
Community Rating
Description
Before becoming king, before becoming a legend, before being able to face the greatest enemy that destiny had prepared for him, the future king of Kaazar died in circumstances that his people never knew about. Years passed and after that tragic event no warrior could do anything when the homunculus king was reborn and sentenced the world to its destruction.
1000 years passed and the legendary warrior was finally reborn as a Lich, a creature of the night for whom death had a different meaning. With his new power and with the help of an old ally Prince Natho will see a chance for redemption by being able to travel back in time and stop it all from happening.
But the price of playing with spacetime is still unknown to most mortals. And tinkering with forces he doesn't understand could cause the young prince to end up creating even more destruction in his new reality.
Information
- Status
- Hiatus
- Year
- 2022
- Author
- Zam Oh'brien_64360
Tags
Royal Road Stats
- Rating
- 3.8/ 5.0
- Followers
- 7
- Views
- 1,420
Chapters(5 total)
Reviews
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Community Reviews(1)
- WhimsicalDeityRoyal Road★★★ 2.5Ancient lichs, world-ending apocalypses, and time loops. What's not to love?
First, the good: The story is inventive. We have an ancient lich and it looks like there's a lot of thought that goes into backstory and the villain. We also have a clear end goal, which is the standard goal of most time loops (saving the world.)
Despite that, I think this could benefit from some revision.
On the grammar end of things, the writing was pretty decent in terms of a lot of Royal Road stories. There were still a fair number of comma splices, some typos, some missing periods, and a few sentences that didn't fully parse, but it's certainly readable without taking you out of the story too much.
I think the style could use a bit of revision. There were three big notes here.
1: The paragraphs were mostly short. Paired with the usage of a lot of simple sentences, the writing feels a bit choppy. Varying sentence structure and adding more details/using some longer paragraphs could go a long way towards making this stronger.
2: Most sentences are action related. Especially in fight scenes, it feels a lot like a dictation, where we get into a string of "He did this. He did that. Then he did this." These are interspersed with occasional descriptive statements ("There was this. He saw that. etc.), but it's still largely a matter-of-fact dictation with some occasional dialogue.
Adding in some more thoughts, emotions, and sensory details could help out here. Is his heart racing during battle? What does he smell? What do the monsters sound like? When he gets hit, does he wince? Does he curse? Is he worried? Etc.
3: The dialogue often was back to back, with no sentences or dialogue tags. I.e. took the form
"Person saying something."
"Other person saying something."
"First person saying something."
Generally with dialogue this is something to be avoided, both for clarity and interest's sake. It can make it a touch tough to gauge who's currently speaking, and also, good dialogue is normally broke