Summer School In Another World

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

Josh and his friends—Bobby, Pepe, Manuel, and Erin—had just graduated middle school, and summer was just starting. The plan was that they would have sleepovers, go camping, fishing, play video games, and just not worry about going to high school. Elementary and middle school were over; it was time to have fun before that new stage in life called high school.

All was going well: video games, check; sleepover at Pepe’s house, check; camping and fishing were next on the list. Erin’s backyard had some woods behind it, and that was where they would be camping.

The night was filled with stories, games, marshmallow s’mores, and some pop that Manuel had brought. They fell asleep thinking tomorrow would be as great as today, but tomorrow would change them forever.

Now they are in a different world—a world they hadn’t fallen asleep to. They and others are now stuck here, where they are slotted into roles like in a game. And they have to level up and fight who knows what. And all they wanted was to have fun before starting high school. But the kind of fun in this new place includes getting hurt or the possibility of, well, dying.

Information

Status: Hiatus
Year: 2021
Author: Marious_Argoz

Royal Road Stats

Rating: 3.1/ 5.0
Followers: 7
Views: 5,067

Chapters(19 total)

Reviews

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Community Reviews(3)

ArmorienRoyal Road
★★★★ 4.0
Grammar: I noticed a few issues here and there, but as with most works, it wasn't really noticeable, or particularly horrible by any stretch of the imagination. So it works.
Style: Gives enough time to offer context and insight into characters. While relatively simple, it serves its purpose well and feels quite fluid. I feel like it could be slower, with more time given to describe the atmosphere. For example, instead of jumping straight to describing a fog, you could describe it as what can be seen visually, before it's confirmed it's a fog.
Story: For a LitRPG the concept of a group of relatively young people banding together in another world is a concept I haven't seen before. In typical cases its either a singular individual or if it is in a group, the age range is more around matured high schoolers. Mayhaps just a personal thing, but this type of story oddly reminds me of Pokemon, given the cast and how it flows.
Character: Fine, a bit too early into the story to judge whether they're great or not. But none of them are annoying or are just written in a stupid manner, so it services the story. They seem to be varied in dialogue style, and manner so they can be distinguished from each other.
MethuselahRoyal Road
★★★★ 3.5
Comma use and other occasional punctuation mistakes. Commas missing in some places, used unnecessarily in others. Occasional grammatical mistakes: ‘so’ instead of ‘to’, ‘which’ instead of ‘that’, etc. Repetition, ‘together’ twice in the same sentence, for example. Overall there’s a lot of telling where, in my opinion, there is room for showing. I noticed this especially in Chapter 3. Occasionally missing words necessary to complete the sentence. E.g., ‘Pepe even surprised everyone getting one A’ should be ‘Pepe even surprised everyone by getting one A’.
Chapter 1: The exposition in the beginning feels rushed and repetitive. Perhaps it could be slimmed down? Perhaps tell the scary story? Perhaps, instead of recounting what’s happened from the narrator’s perspective, show it in the thoughts of the robed figure?
Chapter 2: I like how you’ve given the orb a personality instead of it just being robotic text-to-speech. The UI is nice and simple. I like how you’ve set up the LitRPG. It feels unique to me as a reader, although I am not too familiar with the genre.
Chapter 3: Which rules are worrisome, and why--or do you just mean worrisome “because something had happened” in reference to ‘No fighting’? Where the narrator does a lot of describing how unique this place is, I would personally be more interested in hearing what the characters have to say and think.
Overall I think you have a cool story concept going for the genre. The setup for the characters is fine, but it seems like, because you've done too much telling as the narrator, opportunities for fleshing out their personalities have gone untapped.
Turtles are different from TortoisesRoyal Road
★★★ 2.5
To start, I feel as though I need to mention the grammar. There are missing commas, run on sentences, constant mix ups between past and present tense, and a lack of understanding of plurals, as well as confusion between words such as "Were" and "Where".
This is not something uncommon either. I would struggle to find a single full paragraph with proper grammar. In fact, there are almost more sentences with errors than without. To make a comment with every wrong sentence and the corrections, would be to make a comment likely larger than the chapter it would be posted under.
In terms of style, many of the problems carry over. The flow is rather choppy, and tends to feel as though it jumps from one thing to the next. In addition, the pacing is rushed, likely in relation that jumpiness.
There is also an abundance of telling rather than showing, both in regard to infodumps about the past and in regard to current actions and states of being, which makes the story at times come off as a summery more than a fully-fledged work meant to be read for the first time.
There aren’t really any majors problems with the characters, however, there also isn’t anything about their manner of being portrayed that makes them come across as memorable, good, or unique.
The story hasn’t had much time to development either, but the same problems with the style still come across with it, namely being rushed and not fully fleshed out, as well as not doing much to establish itself as interesting or gripping in the first few chapters.