Red Scar
Community Rating
Description
Don Walter Mezzanotte arrives in the city of Fontebianca with the proposal to save the poor neighborhood of Borgomale. He immediately realizes that it is not an easy task, but the priest is not the type to be discouraged and immediately gets to work. But he soon realizes that, while he tries to help the poor people, the city hides a dark side that could endanger his life and the lives of others. In this fascinating city the threat of getting hurt does not only come from the hands of people with a black heart, but also from someone who has cultivated an intense resentment for years.
Don Walter knows that it could end badly for him, but with the faith of the Lord and a good dose of punches and slaps, he knows he has a better chance of surviving.
Information
- Status
- Hiatus
- Year
- 2024
- Author
- LaPonto
Royal Road Stats
- Rating
- 3.0/ 5.0
- Followers
- 1
- Views
- 379
Chapters(4 total)
Reviews
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Community Reviews(1)
- BobbinfickleRoyal Road★★★ 3.0Seems like an interesting world and I like the descriptions. The first paragraph especially I think is very well-written.
Some of the phrasing is clunky, and some sentences could be combined to make them a bit more punchy and less run-on, but I don't see that as a big crime.
An example is this sentence, "Don Walter knew that with that term they were referring to people with a high social status." could be shortened to "Don Walter knew that they meant people with a high social status", removing some unneeded phrasing.
I'm also not sure about using > for dialogue tags instead of just normal quotes.
This section:
His sixth sense had never failed him and had pulled him out of the woodwork so many times; so it was strange that he was not so clear in his intentions. Was old age perhaps starting to make him lose his touch? He was so focused that he didn't even notice the mugger who stood in front of him with a knife to rob him, overcoming him with a shoulder.
> The man yelled at him, almost offended at being ignored.
Don Walter only listened to him then, annoyed by the insult he had addressed. His eyes narrowed as the criminal continued to threaten him, only at the umpteenth reference to his size did he decide to throw him into a garbage bin with a perfect basket. Those who witnessed the scene were left speechless.
This entire section feels very abrupt. Suddenly there's a mugger, then the situation is instantly resolved. 'throw him into a garbage bin with a perfect basket' feels like the kind of thing that would be in an English translation of a web novel.
I'd try to maintain a bit more of a consistent pacing.