Link to rewritten story: https://www.royalroad.com/my/fiction/20813

Will write another story with this LitRPG + Superstar thingy on another fic once im done with the rewrite.

Community Reviews(4)

That-Cat-GuyRoyal Road

★★★★★ 5.0

Its the first time ive read something like this on the site and the grammer is great little bit raunchy but i love it

lolitacore001Royal Road

★★★★★ 5.0

muito bom,quero mais.
gostei muito vicia
A melhor historia quero mil capitulos
adapçao para manga e anime

SpaugyRoyal Road

★★★★ 4.0

Overall a decent story so far, keep up the good work

SexyWarriorPoetRoyal Road

★★★ 3.0

Hello ya'll. I'm the Warrior Poet, the writer of trash and the purveyor of travesty.
On the chopping block today is a story called 'Play On! My Lovely Goddess!' A "comedy" fiction which utilizes a system which is supposedly written in an Asian style.
Just from the cover alone, it features a girl sporting a virgin killer sweater, so props for the author for knowing their demographic. Unfortunately, the praise ends there, as the entire story is mediocre at best. Why? You ask? Well, let's dig in and see!
First on the list: Descriptions
While they are lengthy, they are quite simple in nature, with much of the sentence structure being at a basic level. Although chinese novels are famous for having long descriptions, they also employ many metaphors and diverse vocabulary which is sadly lacking in this story.
Not to mention there are grammar and spelling errors, but its not to the point where it'll melt your mind, so it gets a pass...for now.
The author also has a tendency to describe everything the characters do, from an objective third party standpoint. e.g. She took out a piece of toast...she buttered it...she ate it...she cleaned up. It makes all the actions seem very robotic. The author should take note to employ the five senses into their writing in addition to the consequences of her decisions on her actual body. It would allow the reader to experience more 'with' the character than to have its actions merely narrated to us.
Another thing to include in the poor descriptors is that it takes a very passive tone of voice. As an example, here's a paraphrased excerpt from the story: However, Person's only thoughts at that moment were, "Ah. Sh*t.".
The author likes to repeatedly say things like the character 'decided', or the character 'thinks', telling us rather than showing us how the character feels, which isn't much. Such lines could be removed entirely, and it would still work, but enough nitpicking.
The Second Point: Humor
Although it's tagged as a comedy, it doesn'

(OLD)Play On! My Lovely Goddess!

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Chapters(18 total)

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Community Reviews(4)