Of Space Whales and Battleships

Self-Published

Community Rating

Description

A fan of naval history and Worm ends up in worm as a shipgirl.General chaos ensues along with a bit of escalation.

Can our protagonist save this doomed world?Fair warning this is a crosspost of an older fic. I like to believe that this is the fic that forced me to learn how to write the starts better. Because if you do not know the world of Worm(Parahumans). The first five or so chapters are going to be rough because it will feel like you are jumping into the middle of another much longer and older story. Which we are.

Information

Status: Hiatus
Year: 2024
Author: Commonnerfer

Royal Road Stats

Rating: 4.1/ 5.0
Followers: 72
Views: 73,628

Reviews

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Community Reviews(1)

GodackRoyal Road
★★ 1.5
I expected a better story from an author who claimed to have “half a decade” under his belt even if it's as a hobby. As my title already says, this story is like plastic. The dialogue feels fake and too direct, there is no suspense when people talk to each other. It’s like they’re “only sending relevant data'' to each other when talking.
The characters feel empty and uninteresting, it’s like you are writing a story that has already finished but you aren’t allowed to use more sentences to describe things better.
The grammar in your sentences are okay and I don’t see any fault in spelling individual words but your phrasing is all over the place.
Here’s a part from the first chapter that feels fake:
=====
"So can I get you anything, miss?"
"A job? Hi, my name is Georgia and I want your Union to hire me." Georgia says
"What?"
"I mean this is a union right? You need people doing PR. I have a degree in management with a specialty in customer service and public relations." Georgia says with a smile
"Aren't you a cape?" the man asks
"So, what's your name?" Georgia asks not answering the question.
"My name is Kurt."
=====
It’s as if the main character expects to get anything she wants whenever. It feels as if there are no consequences.
Here’s another:
====
"Hello, I am here for power testing," Georgia says
"Oh? Well shit,"
At that point however it was too late the panic button was already pressed.
"Panic button?" Georgia asks
The receptionist nods.
====
She just walks in there without a thought, expecting everything to go right. She doesn’t know that, she might know about the world she’s in but does she really know that? She might just be dumb and ignorant like most insert characters are but it doesn’t feel as intentional.
The story is all over the place, one paragraph the main character is standing somewhere and there's a line break and they’re somewhere completely different without acknowledging that it happened in either third or first person perspective. It’s confusing b