I have taken it upon myself to accept the pledge. I shall complete this story even if it means my own sanity. May God have mercy on my soul. Also yes, I may have rewritten this story, the pledge still stands.

Community Reviews(2)

MovenpickRoyal Road

★★★★ 4.0

Hi, I chanced across your story while surfing through the forum and I've decided to answer your clarion call for reviews!
To be honest, what got me hooked on your story initially was your story cover page, which looks extremely professional while giving a good general idea on what your story would be like. Thus, armed with a good first impression, I decided to give your story a read.
I have no qualms with your style and the storyline thus far; it's progressing at a rather acceptable pace with ample room provided for character development,
Spoiler: Spoiler
especially the relationship between the mercenary trio. Too bad Davist and Joul had to go at the end but it is in line with the flow of your story so I won't question your decisions (who am I to question them in the 1st place)
It appears that Edmund is going to be your main character, yet you only introduced him in Chapter 6. This is a very interesting plot device and by portraying his psychological struggles on top of his mysterious powers, I've to commend you for generating a lot of interest in Edmund and in the future development of your story.
If I may suggest, I recommend that you slowly introduce bits and pieces of information relating to Edmund's background in order to keep us readers in suspense. Edmund's mysterious feel is very enticing after all.
My only issue with your story is grammar. Yes, I understand your frequent use of slang in dialogue is to demonstrate the differences in socioeconomic background between your characters i.e. a noble would speak with more eloquent, proper English unlike your typical country bumpkin who is more likely to speak with a strong country accent and slang. (I don't understand the use of "'ere" in some instances though, but maybe it's just me hahahaha)
However, while there is room for the use of slang to display such differences, there are still some rules of grammar that have to be followed. One recurring mistake I notice in your chapters so far is the lack of capital lett

The Feedback TroupeRoyal Road

★★★★ 4.0

Reviewed Chapters: 1 - 17
~ Style ~ 4 Stars ~
The writing style is on a good way and doesn’t break the story in any way. However, there are several things that could be improved.
First, the tenses need to be more consistent. The story switches from past tenses to present tenses occasionally, although it seems rather unintended. The Past Perfect Simple tense is overused at times and there are instances where it is completely unnecessary. I’ll give a little example from the first chapter:
“[...] however, he had heard what seemed to be slight rustling [...]”
It makes the sentences more clunky than it needs to be. A Simple Past is enough.
“[...] however, he heard what seemed to be slight rustling [...]”
Another issue is the overall complexity of the sentences sometimes. Improving the same sentence as before:
“[...] however, he heard a slight rustling noise [...]”
It doesn’t change the meaning of the sentence, but it is more readable, because all unnecessary words are trimmed.
And as a last comment: If you write a novel, don’t use words as sound effects. It’s lazy writing. Instead try to describe sounds and the feeling they create within a character. It helps the reader to understand the situation and will make the characters wore relatable (more on that later)
~ Story ~ 3,5 Stars ~
The story is interesting, but rather confusing in the beginning. It gets better in the later chapters, but the first chapters could put off some readers. The problem is the lack of clearly defined protagonists a reader could latch on.
Spoiler: Spoiler
Sure, the travel of Davist and the two boys is kind of interesting, but in the end rather inconsequential to the plot. It introduces only two characters, who are relevant to the plot, but it takes up six chapters. Those could be easily trimmed into two chapters without losing anything.
Another problem is the lack of a story goal. Where does this story wants to go? What is this story about? There is barely an indication and that leaves the reader

Inquisitor [HIATUS]

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Chapters(4 total)

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Community Reviews(2)