Sorry!, This story as of now is discontinued! I apologize greatly if anyone liked my work! But, if I feel like it I will try to Revamp some of them and make them better!

Community Reviews(4)

NormalReaderRoyal Road

★★★★★ 5.0

so why go against it? I will read what I want and no one is going to Nina change that.

PurriahRoyal Road

★★★ 2.5

Please stop writing this story for a moment.
Please don’t consider this a flame and more of a critique for your improvement, as I will remain as objective as possible.
I can see that you have a pretty decent vision for this story, and the premise itself doesn't look bad. It is a story that has plenty of potential for slapstick comedy, cliche humor and satire, as well as capable of decent character development and interaction.
But a story is more tan just the content. Plenty of people have mentioned this before, but the message still doesn't seem to become clear, so I’ll point it out in a (hopefully) easier understood way. Again, I’ll remain as objective as possible, so please read thorough it all and don’t consider this a flame, because it’s not. Just a desire to help improve your work with some (hopefully) worthy critique.
You can’t not know that your grammar, punctuation, and spacing between sentences is lacking in quality. A Story is more than blocks of texts. Some sentences are separated from those blocks to add emphasis to conversation, and make it easier on the eyes so it is easier to decipher where the beginning and end conversation is. My recommendation is to separate conversational texts where the characters interact, so the readers can have a better grasp of the conversation without being surrounded by walls of text that make them lose their place.
Trying to stare at one word in a wall of text is like staring at an optical illusion for too long; you want to understand it, but your eyes begin to hurt after so long, and when you blink, you lose your place or image of what you were trying to grasp.
I will say that your story has decent potential to be a hilarious story, and an entertaining one at that, which I truly want to see. I can see that you are starting to change your writing habits too, and have made the paragraphs smaller, but that is just making the big wall of texts into smaller walls of text, and it isn't really fixing the whole “grammar” issue, a

TrueDragonSoulRoyal Road

★★ 2.0

The story itself shows promise but the lack of formatting and little to no proofreading leaves a lot to desire.
You already have quite a few comments on every chapter with good ways to fix your writing. I just implore you to listen to them.
A wall of text will turn a major portion of readers away, and that would be a shame cause I can see that the base story would be good and I look forward to seeing where it might lead.

dwoolfyRoyal Road

★ 0.5

As of now this is totally unreadable. There is only very minimal formatting, that really can not be called formatting. I gave some good basic recommendations as a comment in chapter 2, the 3rd post, that if followed will make it readable though the formatting would likely still need a lot of improvement.
1: Spaces between paragraphs
2: Individual character’s dialog should be on a separate line as if it was it’s own paragraph.
3: You only need one dialog indicator per dialog block, and you do not even need one all the time as long as the owner of the dialog is obvious.
I provided a simple example of before and after as well.
If the formatting is brought up to some minimal standard where it becomes readable than I will likely change my review. I will also probably stop looking at this once 6 or so chapters are out, and if there is not much improvement in the formatting.

Discontinued-Harems Are Evil!!

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Chapters(13 total)

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Community Reviews(4)